Just a few random notes from my journal.
Today’s food craving: I would happily give my left hand for a ripe California avocado, please.
I’m making friends despite myself. Can’t be helped I guess. We are all such social monkeys aren’t we? Always picking through each other’s fur. And I’m tired of spending time only in my own stupid company, deep in my own dumb head. I grow so weary of my mind’s insipid chatter! Self-exhaustion drives me from my room out into conversations with strangers, who become friends and allies. So maybe it’s good to emerge from the cave and be vulnerable.
Gentle Germie wore a lovely blue and white sari today! Where has the lumpy sweater gone? “You look beautiful!” I tell her, because she does – the blue matches her eyes – and she holds my hand, touches my face, and gestures to my eyes, nodding and speaking in German. I think she is returning the compliment.
My body is emanating curry. My sweat smells like curry. My skin smells like curry. My pee smells like curry. It’s really crazy.
Today’s food craving: oh help me. PIZZA.
Bought a jar of pure coconut oil for Rs31: under a buck. Now I have me some fiiiiiiiine moisturizer! The word slather applies… as does the word apply. Happy skin! Now if only I could make my dull hair smile in this climate.
SHAAA has hurt his knee. I watch him dodder to the canteen, beads around his neck swinging in time with his theatrical hitch, zen-master headband askew. He makes a big deal of it (and about everything). He wants people to feel for him, to run and help, to rally round in his time of need, to simply give him the attention he so craves; but his schmaltzy, hard-done-by attitude only widens the gap between himself and others. Everyone else is just quietly getting on with things, without the self-serving, vociferous news feed. His egoistic motives, behind a thin veneer of spirituality, are awkward and uncomfortable. People can pick up on true intent and delivery, I guess. SHAAA’s forced weirdness, damp pretentions and desperate need to be liked isolates him, and that makes me sad – though not sad enough to be his buddy. He’s not an unlikeable person, but… too much baggage there. Too many neuroses to navigate, and that is sad. Sorry, that’s not very nice to say. I’ve simply had my share of neurotic navigations with others.
This is hard! This is HARD TO DO gaddammit. This is hard this is hard.
I dreamt that my dog and I were walking thru flooded plains – flooded as far as the eye could see, wading up to our knees in water. Looking for somewhere to take shelter. A red red sky reflected on the water. Empty red above and below, with dog and I between. Quiet except for our small splashing. Really lonesome. But I was happy to have my dog with me.
Today’s food craving: Extra. Sharp. Cheddar. Cheese. With a crispy cracker or two. ANYTHING crispy! ANYTHING crunchy! It’s all so mushy here! Delicious mush on metal plates.
Tonight I listened to the jackals in the smoky dark, calling and calling.